Anxiety.  Stress.  We feel it.  We react.  Sometimes we react well.  YAY!  Happy days!!!  *smiley face emoticon*

But sometimes stress causes us to be overwhelmed with emotion. *frowny face emoticon*  

We are overwhelmed by stress.  We react poorly.  Our emotions course through our veins, race through our minds, and/or sink into an uncomfortable pit in our stomachs and we, in a sense, lose control.  Logic flies out the window. We shut-down.  We bite back.  We avoid.  We cry.  We act in spite: spiting ourselves, our loved ones, our feelings.  Our emotions take over.  We spiral.

In my last post, we discussed Common but Self-Defeating Coping Mechanisms for Stress and detailed the negative consequences to each mechanism.   And let’s be honest – most of us have used more than one of those coping strategies on the list.  That’s why I labeled them “common”.

Ok – so, sure – it’s great to acknowledge these reactions are self-defeating… and even better to acknowledge you use them. (or maybe vice versa)  But so what?  When you’re living in that moment you don’t care!!   If you DID, you wouldn’t be acting that way.  *duh*

So what can you do?  How do we fight back if, in a way, we’ve already lost control?

Distraction.

You need to distract yourself so that you can snap out of it and come back to the situation/problem/stress with a refreshed and in-control mind. *Big SMILE!* Distraction skills help you temporarily stop thinking about your stress, they help you prevent your emotions from spiraling farther and they give you time to find an appropriate reaction for your stress. *Even BIGGER Smile*

Soooo…..Make the choice NOW, that you WILL choose to distract yourself the next time you find yourself in a self-defeating reaction to stress. YAY!  Tell yourself NOW that no matter how convincing your irrational justifications for your behavior are, the next time you find yourself coping with stress in a self-defeating way, you WILL, even though you won’t want to, try a distracting technique.  (which btw – will be covered more in the next post)

Have you done it yet?  Have you made the choice?

No?  ok – well… seriously…

Do it.  *warrior face emoticon*

haha.  Just teasing.  But for REAL?  Make the decision.  NOW.  Because if you don’t do it NOW – you probably will find yourself wishing you had.

(and I wonder why my boyfriend teases me about being bossy *slanted smile emoticon*)

****IMPORTANT NOTE: Please do not confuse distracting yourself with avoidance.  Distracting yourself when your emotions are overwhelming?  Good.  Avoiding?  BAD.  The difference? “When you avoid a distressing situation you choose not to deal with it.  But when you distract yourself from a distressing situation, you still intend to deal with it in the future, when your emotions have calmed down.”*****

Ok – so we understand the importance of and the “why should we?” for distraction… BUT

Before we use distracting skills we need Radical Acceptance 

Distracting yourself will never work unless you learn “Radical Acceptance”.  Radical Acceptance is accepting life for what it is – judgment free.  If you can’t accept that life IS and cannot be controlled, you are probably a control freak.  What?  You probably are!

Let’s be real.  Life cannot be controlled.  Bad things happen.  Stress happens.  And wishing something didn’t happen is ultimately a waste of your time.  When you are upset that something happened you miss the point that it DID happen and now you need to deal with it.

Let’s think about this for a second.  Do you REALLY think that being upset and angry, or wishing something didn’t happen will change the outcome of something that has already happened? Or going back to our list of Common but Self-Defeating Coping Mechanisms for Stress - will ANY of these reactions CHANGE the outcome of what lead to your stress?

If you said “yes” – you are wrong. *Playful winky emoticon*  Each of those coping mechanisms ultimately paralyze you.  You cannot move forward and change the situation when you are busy engaging in self-defeating behaviors.  You might not be able to prevent feeling angry, upset, critical and judgmental, but you can accept that dwelling on those feelings won’t help.

Feel it, acknowledge it, accept it, move forward.

Trying to fight a moment in time, that has already happened, only leads to poor reactions and more stress.

Now, of course, this doesn’t mean you have to condone or agree with bad behavior in other people.  Accepting life for what it is only encourages you to not get angry about what has already happened and to not waste time trying to point the finger.  Blame, anger and dwelling will never help!  If a situation needs to be changed – change it!! but don’t dwell on who is to blame or get caught up in being disappointed in yourself for allowing the situation to happen.

Feel it, acknowledge it, accept it, move forward.

Back to Distraction

We’re going to talk more about Radical Acceptance in future blog posts but for now … let’s get back to Distraction as a coping mechanism for stress.

Developing distraction skills are more involved than I realized at first.  It’s going to take more than one post to get through them. *sorry!!*  BUT since I promised you some distracting ideas in THIS post, I’ve included pages 15-16 from “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook” by McKay, Wood and Brantley for you (Click the link for a pdf).  It’s called “The Big List of Pleasurable Activities” and they claim it contains a list of over 100 ideas of things to do.  But I think listing “exercise” and then 14 different ways to exercise shouldn’t be counted as 15 things to do so I edited the list, added a few of my own ideas and included my amended version at the bottom of this post.  Please consider doing one of these things when you start feeling yourself reacting poorly or not caring that you are upset.  YAY!!!!

(YAY that there is a list – NOT yay that you are reacting poorly)

But WAIT!  There really is more!

If looking at the list makes you think “This will never work” – bear with me ok? *hopeful smiley emoticon*  I realize this is just a LONG list of things to do.  But the fact is, doing ANYTHING to change the pace a little should help you refocus and refresh your mind.  YAY!

PLUS – we haven’t gotten to the distraction SKILLS yet!  That will be next time. My next blog will cover in-depth ideas for distracting your thoughts and I’ll also go over the book’s suggestions for relaxing and fighting anxiety.

So …

to be continued!

_________________________________________________

“The Big List of Pleasurable Activities” or as I like to call it, the “Things to do when you can’t think of anything else to do list” (edited by me)

1. Talk to a friend
1. Call
2. Text
3. IM
4. Skype
5. In person
1. Meet up somewhere
2. Invite your friend over
3. Go to your friend’s
2. Organize a party
3. Exercise
1. Lift weights
2. Do yoga, tai chi, or Pilates, or take classes to learn
3. Stretch
4. Jog
5. Swim
4. Go outside
1. Take a walk, somewhere peaceful
2. Watch the clouds
3. Hike
4. Ride a bike
5. Go to a local playground and play
6. Any outdoor sports
7. Play with your pet or borrow a pet
8. Bird watch
9. People watch
10. Sit outside – it doesn’t really matter what you do – just go outside!!
5. Play a game (by yourself or with someone)
1. Solitaire
2. Basketball
3. Mini Golf
4. Bowling
5. Billiards
6. Video Games
7. Flag football
8. Any game
6. Download new apps for your phone
7. Subscribe to a word of the day email and read them
8. Get a massage
9. Go for a drive
10. Ride public transportation
11. Plan a vacation
12. Take a nap
13. Eat (Hmm… I’m going to add PLEASE be careful you’re not eating emotionally)
1. Try a new healthy snack
2. Cook your favorite meal
3. Bake your favorite treat
4. Surprise someone with a treat
5. Have a dinner party
6. Have friends over to help you prepare a meal
7. Cook or bake something new
8. Teach/mentor someone younger to cook to bake
9. Take a cooking class
10. Go get your favorite non-alcoholic beverage
11. Make a fruit salad bouquet (the decorative type)
12. Invent a new smoothie combination
13. Make hamburger cupcakes
14. Watch a cooking show – make one of the recipes
14. Play with a pet or borrow a pet
1. Give the pet a bath
2. Teach a dog a new trick
15. Find something FUNNY
1. Watch a movie
2. Youtube
3. Comics
4. Blogs
5. TV
6. Websites
7. lolcats.com
16. Go to a movie
17. Watch your favorite TV show
18. Listen to the radio
19. Go to a sporting event
20. Google Inspirational Quotes
21. Start a blog or website
22. Sell something online
23. Do a puzzle
24. Run errands you’ve been meaning to do
25. Get a haircut
26. Go to a spa
27. Do a face mask
28. Look up local community events and go to one
29. Volunteer for a non-profit group or political campaign
30. Go to a library
31. Go to a bookstore and read
32. Visit a museum or art gallery
33. Go to a ballet or opera
34. Go to a play/broadway
35. Get dolled up
36. DANCE
37. Pray
38. Meditate
39. Go to a church
40. Write a letter to a Higher Power
41. Call a family member
42. Mentor/call/plan a play date with a niece, nephew or younger cousin
43. Learn a new language
44. Sing or learn how to
45. Play a musical instrument (or learn)
46. Write a song
47. Memorize lines from a favorite movie, book, play or song
48. Make a movie/video
49. Take photos
50. Edit photos
51. Write a speech
52. Participate in a local theater group
53. Sing in a choir
54. Join a club
55. Plant a garden
56. Knit, crochet, sew – or learn to
57. Make a scrapbook
58. Join pinterest
59. Paint your nails
60. Color your hair
61. Take a bubble bath or shower
62. Work on a car
63. Housework
64. Take a community education class
65. Read
66. Buy a magazine
67. Write a letter to a friend or family member
68. Make a list of things you like about yourself
69. Draw or write things you like about body
70. Write a poem, story, movie etc.
71. Write in a journal
72. Write a love letter
73. Write a loving letter to yourself to save for your next bad day
74. Make a list of things you are good at
75. Draw
76. Paint
77. Snuggle with someone you care about
78. Make a list of people you admire or want to be like – fictional, historical or someone you know.  Describe what you like about them.
79. Write a biography or about crazy events in your life
80. Make a bucket list
81. Write a letter to someone who has enriched your life and explain why (you don’t need to send the letter)
82. Mail holiday cards to those you care about for random holidays
83. Create your own list of ‘pleasurable activities’
84. Make a 101 in 1001 list
85. Take a personality quiz