Stress Kills: Common but Self-Defeating Coping Mechanisms for Stress

Posted on October 17, 2011 by admin

Sometimes, no matter how prepared we are, the world feels like it’s crashing down on us.

We are overwhelmed with emotion. Unprepared for the moment. Maybe even depressed by current situations. It doesn’t matter if the trigger is big or small: unexpected accidents, disappointment, unrealistic expectations, broken hearts, unobtainable dreams, approaching deadlines… ANXIETY.

Overwhelming Emotion can strike anyone at anytime.

But with the right tools, we can strike back.

For the next little bit I’m going to share with you what I am learning from the book I’m reading on “Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance.”

I’ve had this book on my shelf for over a year now but haven’t taken the time to read through it. I wanted to practice mindfulness last October and after doing a bit of research I learned that Dialectical Behavior Therapy is all about teaching mindfulness. Sure – it was created to help people with BPD and so that makes it a little extreme *yikes!!* but I figured that the core principles of the book would be a great foundation for learning to practice healthy mindfulness – so I bought the book anyway and am NOW going to read through it. YAY! Happy days!!

The first section asks you to recognize your current COPING STRATEGIES for stress.

When feeling overwhelmed or stressed, do you…

dwell on the past? your mistakes? current problems?
get anxious thinking about the future?
find yourself avoiding social situations?
snap and lose your temper with people?
avoid the problem?
over-eat or under-eat?
find that your favorite things have no appeal?
resign yourself and be depressed?
live a little on the edge? (i.e. do risky/dangerous things?)
turn to drugs/prescriptions/alcohol to numb the emotional pain?

Because if you do – I have news for you!!! YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE.

hahahahaha. You PROLLY already knew that. And unfortunately this knowledge PROLLY just spirals the stress.

The book suggests taking a moment to reflect on the consequences of the above reactions to stress. Are ANY of the above mentioned “coping mechanisms” actually helpful?

NOPE.

Let’s look at consequences for the above coping strategies:

If you dwell on the past, your mistakes, and current problems: Waste time, miss opportunities to live in the NOW, regret missing these moments, feel depressed, feel ANXIETY
If you get anxious thinking about the future: Waste time, miss opportunities to live in the NOW, procrastinate planning for the future then feel stressed when you are unprepared, feel depressed, feel anxiety
If you avoid social situations: Feel isolated and depressed, miss opportunities to have fun, regret missing these moments.
If you snap and lose your temper with people: Hurt relationships and feel depressed for hurting your relationships, feel bad about yourself, low self-esteem.
If you avoid the problem: Feel unprepared, overwhelmed, get burned out, neglect your own needs.
If you over-eat or under-eat: Weight gain or loss, health consequences, anxiety, grumpiness, disappointment in self and lack of self-control, low self esteem, depression.
If you find that your favorite things have no appeal: Depression, loss of enjoyment.
If you resign yourself and be depressed: Depression, loss of enjoyment, hurt relationships.
If you live a little on the edge: (i.e. do risky/dangerous things?) Physical pain, accidents, trauma, death.
If you turn to drugs/prescriptions/alcohol to numb the emotional pain: Loss of respect of self, depression, loss of money, relationship problems, health consequences, addiction.

All of the coping mechanisms above lead to prolonged stress, anxiety and unhappiness. There are healthier ways to cope.

So what do you do instead?

DISTRACT YOURSELF.

Chapter One of the book deals with “Distracting Skills” – and we’ll talk about THOSE in the next blog.

Have a happy day/night!

THEY SAT STILL!!!!

Posted on September 26, 2011 by admin

Oh my. Have you ever tried to get a group of 6 and 7 year olds to sit still and listen to you teach them for AN HOUR outside of school? It’s not easy. In fact – it’s impossible.

Or so I thought.

This week I tried something new. I usually give them a treat (sugarless, but very flavorful gum – and they get to pick each week between a bunch of flavors – I don’t like using food as a reward ) as incentive to be “good” during class. They love it!! But THIS week I brought an extra treat. One they could earn at the BEGINNING of class, conditional upon their utter and complete silence while they took turns telling me about their week. (I love redundancy. Is there any form of silence that is not utter or complete? And aren’t utter and complete synonyms? Why yes – they are.

ANYWAY

Usually they compete with each other during “tell me about your week” time. The first child says he or she did x,y,z and then the second child OF COURSE did x,y,z TOO but ALSO did a, b, and c so then the first child has to interrupt to explain they ALSO had a,b, and c but that they just forgot to mention it and then the THIRD child adds even MORE so the first and second children have to pipe in AGAIN… I think you get the idea. It’s great fun. :-\

I don’t love the competition so I told them that I’d give them one caramel (hee hee – kids are so easy to please!!) at the end of in-class sharing time if they would be SILENT while their classmates spoke. I WAS SHOCKED!

I have NEVER, and neither has my team teacher who has taught them for the past year, seen them so quiet. YAY! Hip hip hooray! They didn’t utter even one tiny PEEP while their classmates spoke. And then after in-class sharing time – because they had just been practicing listening and being quiet for the past 5 minutes they STAYED quiet for another 10!!!

I’m a genius!

And now that I’ve proven to myself and to them that they ARE capable of listening I’ve got a whole new set of expectations!! hahahaha – just kidding.

kind of.

I don’t want to teach a class where the children are silent I LOVE our boisterous activity time AND we usually try and play a game too (kids need wiggle time). I don’t want to run a prison camp. However, having them respect their classmates by listening and not competing is something I will continue to do. So YAY! I found success!

There is hope for me yet! unless I can’t get rid of my cooties…

Posted on September 26, 2011 by admin

I’m NOT about to expire

This just in!! I’ve been informed by my Grandmother that:

there is still hope for me!!!

She saw on “Find My Dress” (or whatever that show is called) a THIRTY-ONE year old getting married. That’s right! A THIRTY-ONE year old. And my grandmother informed me that if that woman can get married at THIRTY-ONE, maybe I still have a few years left to find a husband. HAHAHAHAHA!

Whew. I was beginning to worry that my expiration date was coming up. Now I just have to worry about having cooties.

Yes. Cooties.

I had to tell one of the boys in my primary class that I DON’T have cooties just so he would be willing to sit next to me. :-0 haha! He laughed and blushed at my comment.

A new breed of exercise: Water Aerobics ;) & have you seen Barbie’s Wedding pics?

Posted on August 26, 2011 by admin

Be honest – when you read the title “Water Aerobics” did you think of old ladies?

Or maybe the word LAZY popped into your mind? Followed by little snickers? I mean for real – WHO in the world does water aerobics?? Well, well, well … Do THESE people look old and lazy to you?

I didn’t think so!

Wait a minute- those aren’t pictures of water aerobics! Those aren’t even pictures of people!! Those are dogs!! Where is the picture of young, energetic people doing water aerobics? :-0 Are you telling me such a picture doesn’t exist? And that my next door neighbors had every right to make fun of me when I got home from water aerobics tonight? And that you also wish you could tease me to my face because I went to water aerobics for the first time? And you are laughing out loud because it’s only been 3 hours since I finished water aerobics and I’m already sore?

Ok. Fair enough.

Water aerobics IS an old lady sport.

An old lady sport I just discovered I LOVE!!! YAY!!!

p.s. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Mattel announced that Barbie and Ken OFFICIALLY divorced. Which actually wasn’t funny – it was just sad. But what IS funny is that this brilliant photographer had them get RE-married! AHAHAHAHAHA! You can see more pics HERE.

Seriously brilliant. I love that she even captured all of the cliche wedding poses. :) AND the latest trend to have different colored shoes! HAHAHAHA! I love it.

Btw – tonight, after water aerobics, a bug flew into MY EYE! Siiiick.

I started teaching a church primary group – say what????

Posted on August 25, 2011 by admin

To my seven readers, 3 of you already knew that I have been teaching for a few weeks now so this post comes as no shock to you – but to the rest of you? I’m TEACHING church stuff!! Did your jaw drop to the floor? HAHA! Don’t worry – it’s not like THAT. Not like the “praise the Lord – good great sweet baby Jesus” type of church teaching – not that there would be anything wrong with that – but we all know that just isn’t me. (btw – did any of you watch that Nascar prayer? HAHAHAHAHAHA! I know I shouldn’t laugh but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Was he SERIOUS?? ”We thank you for the dodges and the fords… In Jesus name, bugguty bugguty” HAHAHA! Watch it here)

No – nothing like that. I’m just teaching a little “do service and be kind” type of stuff (which happens to be stuff I believe) to a class of 6-7 year olds and I’m only doing it because the leader in the church group I attend asked me to and much to my dismay I said yes.

Right. Much to my dismay, I said yes.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TEACHING IN CHURCH MEANS??? It means I have to actually ATTEND church EVERY WEEK. Pretty clever of that bishop if you ask me. ;) My attendance in church has been NON-EXISTENT for TEN YEARS! Which probably makes you want to ask, “Why in the world did a bishop of a church group ask you to teach a class of 6-7 year olds if you’ve been agnostic for most of the last ten years?” Well… that’s a good question. But since you didn’t raise your hand … just kidding. I’m not very good at enforcing the kids to raise their hands in class either. But that’s because they’re TERRIFIED of me. HAHAHAHA! Just kidding again. Man I’m a riot tonight! No but for REAL??

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

OOORRRRR maybe I’ve been studying a lot about why religion can be good over the past year so I’m not such a terrible choice. It was probably time I looked a little more closely at the “cup half full” side of it. I HAVE spent countless years studying about how horrid organized religion is – and although I retain my opinions on the dangers of organized religion – I believe my current church participation doesn’t encroach on these firmly held beliefs about religions in general. And I think being a responsible church goer means being aware of the good AND the bad of a religion. But that’s not a blog topic for today – or for any other day because it’s SO LONG AND EXTRA EXTRA BORING!!!

But yeah … the short of it is that he had his reasons for asking and I had my own for saying yes. And I think I am going to enjoy this new adventure: teaching little, incredibly bossy, CANNOT SIT STILL, or listen to a word I’m saying, kids about being kind.

Reframing – and my dog is a drug addict.

Posted on June 30, 2011 by admin

ok so look – I know I said the next blog was going to be about the value trifecta but I changed my mind. :) If I waited until that blog was ready – I wouldn’t blog for a LONG time. And then I just read Vanessa’s blog about Dog Soup, and yes it was made with REAL DOGS siiiiiick (but for realz – go read it!!! I laughed OUT LOUD) and I remembered that I once said I would NEVER eat cow tongue – NEVER EVER EVER!!!!

But then HE happened:

And I DID eat it because you see that guy above? I fell in love with him. And he lived in Honduras for a few years and he said, “Trust me – it’s good.” So I did.

And I liked it.

siiiiiick

But I really did like it – which is still siiiiiick but when cooked correctly – very succulent! ;) But ANYWAY life is unpredictable and you never know when you might change your perspective – so…. what I really want to talk about today is CHANGE. :)

Reframing – a necessary tool

Reframing has been one of, if not THE biggest factor in my ability to accept, change and move forward. It allows you (or me! YAY!) to change your ENTIRE pattern of thinking without feeling like a poser ;) It lets you save face – *YAY* – and it lets you stay true to your values even while changing your mind on big issues. And the best part!!! If you are logical and keep an open heart and mind, reframing can create change or at least cause ripples immediately.

p.s. I MAY have thrown in a few confessions here and there to keep this post spicy. ;) So back to blogging …

WHAT IS REFRAMING?

Wikipedia “…reframing a situation or context, thus sees a situation in another frame. A frame can refer to a belief, what limits our view of the world. If we let this limiting belief go, new conceptions and interpretation possibilities can develop...”
Changingminds.org “..A frame, or ‘frame of reference’ is a complex schema of unquestioned beliefs, values and so on that we use when inferring meaning. If any part of that frame is changed (hence ‘reframing’), then the meaning that is inferred may change.”
NLP Reframing “…Changing the frame of an experience can have a major influence on how you perceive, interpret and react to that experience.”
On a simpler note – reframing can be as simple as understanding that “truth” with a lower case t, CAN have more than one side. And just because you experience or perceive ONE truth – it doesn’t mean there can’t be an equally compelling truth if you look at the situation from another direction.

Btw – Chloe – my dog who is a bumbly bear – hurt her leg and was limping a lot. So I took her into the vet.

She’s now on drugs.

BENEFITS OF REFRAMING:

Allows acceptance
Allows forgiveness
Creates a new reality
Has life-changing potential
And I think Chloe is now a drug addict.

EXAMPLE

The other night she kept looking at me with her happy smile.

Pant, pant, pant, puppy eyes, smile, pant pant pant. I couldn’t figure out what she wanted!! I said, “Show me” and she lead me into the kitchen…. uh oh – the kitchen? This had trouble written ALL over it.

I went to the treat jar – no no – she didn’t want that. SHE – piggy of all piggies!!! – WALKED AWAY FROM THE TREAT JAR!! So I asked if she wanted to go outside – she took two MORE steps back and sat down with stubborn determination. She was NOT going to go outside.

Pant pant pant. More puppy eyes. SMILE!!! WAG WAG!

“Chloe bear – WHAT do you want?”

WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG – she went back to where the treat jar was - and that’s when I noticed. Her pain pills were sitting RIGHT next to the treat jar. *oh boy* My dog wanted drugs. My dog is a drug addict. ***SHOCK OF ALL SHOCKS!!!*** Well – ok – maybe it’s only *mostly shocking* she is a little chubby wubby lazy bear – it doesn’t surprise me TOO much that she likes a lil something something extra to help her stay EXTRA lazy. ;)

OK!!!! BACK TO REFRAMING!!! Though you will find that I tie my confessional of Chloe back into reframing in a bit but for now – If you want a great life changing personal example of how a bloggy friend/reader helped ME reframe – I’d recommend reading the following posts – I went from feeling like an utter failure with every reason (in my mind) to logically believe so – to just days later understanding that there was another side and that I may have been too hard on myself. ALL FROM THE HELP OF ONE COMMENT!!!! Sure I still feel like a failure on many levels – just not the same ones. :)

Post One: My Self Measure Means Failure

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote … depresses me because it screams at me, “YOU ARE A FAILURE!” A complete and pathetic failure with no backbone and no sense of identity. (Read more if you want)

Post Two: I told the Dr. I didn’t know who I was

I remember, at the age of 25, when I went to see a psychiatrist.

“What can I help you with Daisy?”

“I don’t know who I am, what I want from life, or what I like.”

He looked at me with surprise. He and I had met before. …. He had always believed I was very self-assured, confident and independent. How could I not know myself? (Read more about my search for identity AND find suggestions to help you find out more about your OWN self YAY! )

Comment on Post Two because I turned comments off on Post One: Phoebe’s paradigm shifting comment

“This sort of relates more to your last post, but I think maybe you’re failing to recognize that the fact that you didn’t just allow everyone who was trying to make you conform means that you actually WERE “finding yourself” all of…” (read the rest) and Thanks again Phoebe!!!

Post Three: A New Perspective to my Failure (with a side note on the dangers of “comfort zones”)

…Is it possible that I’m not such a failure after all?…although I may not have known my mind completely – I was learning what I didn’t like. :) I did play along with “THEM” and played the part – but I suppose I never really conformed did I?… Maybe I need to have a little more faith in myself. :) I never conformed in my heart. Never. And looking at the circumstances I pushed through – I feel safe to say I never will.

And back to Chloe, the drug addict.

MAYBE – just maybe – she’s NOT a drug addict. MAYBE – just maybe – she likes the cream cheese I wrap her pills in. AAANNNDDDD Maybe – just maybe I might have discovered, after testing, she is equally happy with a tiny dab of cream cheese as she is with a pain pill wrapped in cream cheese.

So in conclusion. :) Reframing – keeping an open mind – looking for another side or being willing to hear another side – continually giving the “benefit of the doubt” and actively searching for ways to confirm this benefit of the doubt you gave - INCLUDING GIVING THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT TO YOURSELF (and Chloe) – this may not seem like much. But I promise you:

Reframing has the power to permenantly change a frown upside down and to help you accept (yourself or others), forgive (yourself or others), move forward, and provide new realities that might unlock a newer, happier you.

Please feel free to email if you have questions or would like more information. Daisy@australiandaisy.com or watch for upcoming installments on areas of life that might benefit from reframing. And as said before – watch for an upcoming post on Humility!

Oh! Oh! AND I’m GOING TO WASHINGTON D.C. for the first time TO CELEBRATE JULY 4, 2011 with my honey!!!!!

Please wish me SAFE TRAVELS!!! YAY!!!

And I wish those of you in the United States a

VERY HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

I’ll post pictures upon return. :)

My heart’s a stereo – and I’m going to start sharing “deep stuff” ;)

Posted on June 25, 2011 by admin

But there! I said it – I got it out of the way. We can move forward. :) haha – ok I’m not like COMPLETELY changed. My sense of humor is still about the same. :) which let’s be real – that is a HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!!

YAY!!!!!

You see, I LOVE to laugh and I think I’m funny. So the fact that I STILL think I’m funny?!?!! Wahoo!! :)

Anyway I’m only mentioning this because I’ve done moderately well at being “adjusted” despite my – umm – well – my life. I’ve tried to maintain a happy perspective, I’ve worked at being optimistic and I’ve NEVER taken the “why me?” attitude; though I have most certainly wondered about the purpose of life. But I’ve adjusted; I’ve adapted. I’m still here and most days I’m still laughing. :)

Up until recently I didn’t want to really admit or fully accept that my past IS my past. Ok – I still don’t. I HATE what’s happened. I hate the fact that SO MUCH has happened. There has been so much heart ache, so much loss, so many tears and so much FEAR. I hate WHY things have happened. I hate the parts I played in making some of it happen. And I hate the parts that I couldn’t prevent from happening. But now I’m willing to admit what I’ve gained from it. And that is a WHOLE LOT!!!!

I am *willing* to appreciate this acquired knowledge from those experiences I didn’t want. Yes, “willing.” It’s not like I didn’t recognize what I learned, but I resented it in many, many ways. The resentment is going, if not gone, and I am now grateful for the perspectives, attitudes, insights and wisdom I have taken away from it all. It gives me hope, and takes away some of the despair.

“We who have lived in anguish for so long have discovered a way to live in serenity, one day at a time, and our greatest joy is to share this way of life with others.” – As we understood p. 231.

I don’t think I’ll ever look back at my story without grimacing or frowning; without getting frustrated, being disappointed, and crying. But at least now I can be grateful for the things I am able to understand because of my trials. The difference between then and now is that I’m ready to share what I’ve discovered about hope, communication, accountability, self-esteem, acceptance, faith, humility and courage.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to start sharing. I hope it helps someone. :)

My next blog will be on the value trifecta – humility, honesty and courage but IN THE MEANTIME!!!! Let me share with you my new favorite-est-est-est song!!! I’ve mentioned that my BF and I have a soundtrack of US. This song makes it on the list. The lyrics ring true in my heart. I love J, and I WOULD carry him around even if he were an old school 50lb boombox, and I’d hold him on my shoulder wherever I walked, and turn his volume up in front of the cops, and crank it higher every time they told me to stop. hee hee Yes – My heart’s a stereo.

The 7 Layer Bean Dip That’s Better Than Hers – RECIPE

Posted on June 13, 2011 by admin

Soooo… my boyfriend is a huge sports fan. Loves to play, loves to watch, loves to talk SPORTS. Sports, sports, sports, sports!

Hip hip hooray!

I’ve never dated a guy who is super duper into sports and none of my 3 brothers or dad are into sports. So the past 8 months have been quite the sports cultural experience! I’m learning all sorts of things. Like who the ~~sexiest~~ hottest players in the NBA are and oh wait *blush* I meant hot as in “on fire” and have a great shooting average!! ;) and the difference between a flagrant and a team foul. :) YAY!

I’ve also learned that girls like to try and use sports as a way to request time with my boy. HAHA! That’s cool with me. :) The more the merrier! I love playing hostess!! :) YAY! And what’s better than making new friends? Double yay!

HAHAHAHA! I guess I misunderstood. Apparently, watching a sports game with a single attractive male is secret girl code for “I have a crush on you” and watching a sports game with a boy and making him BEAN DIP is secret girl code for “I want you to fall madly in love with me”. Who knew?

Anyway – you can imagine my surprise when the BF introduced me to a fellow “sports fan” who couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact with me and then – wait what? Oh no you didn’t. Bean dip? Did you seriously just invite my boyfriend to come over and watch an NBA playoffs game at your house – alone – so that he could have your amazing bean dip? And you did this IN FRONT OF ME??

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh sweetheart – first off, my boyfriend doesn’t play that way and *happy sigh* how great was it when he said, “Well, you could for sure come down and watch the game with us sometime. That’d be fun!” to your invitation? It was pretty great. Secondly, although I AM impressed by your wikipedia memorization skills when it comes to the NBA – my boyfriend loves teaching me about sports and thought it was cute that it took me 10 tries before I remembered the correct way to pronounce Niwitski, and lastly, by mentioning your AMAZING bean dip all you did was encourage me to learn to make a better, yummier, and better looking bean dip than yours. ;)

So – I guess thanks are in order.

Thanks for the idea!!! The BF LOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEDD it!!!

But for real – he did. :) YAY!!!! I love being his girlfriend. <3<3<3 It’s my favorite!!

7 layer Bean Dip

2/3 can of black refried beans
Salsa
Chunked, grilled chicken (about 2 cups)
Shredded Cheese
Sour Cream
Guacamole
Chopped Tomato
Sliced Olives (1 can)
8×8 or there about container.

Microwave the beans and then add an equal part of Salsa, stir it up, cover and set aside.
Heat up the chicken.
Smooth the bean/salsa mixture on the bottom of your container (it should still be warm)
Distribute the chicken evenly over the beans
Cover with shredded cheese
Smooth over a thin layer of sour cream
Smooth over a thin layer of guacamole
Sprinkle diced/chopped tomato on guacamole
Sprinkle sliced olives over tomatoes

Serve right away with chips! YUM!!!

Spring has SPRUNG!

Posted on May 4, 2011 by admin

I love summer. I ADORE Fall. I hate winter and I am always excited for Spring!!! YAY!!! This year our spring came early but also very timidly. It’s often chilly. We decided to make the most of our lovely Spring Saturday by – well – springing! ;)

AAANNNDDD playing. :)

I love my nieces!!!! And I consider myself the luckiest aunt in the world because they love me too!! :)

YAY!!! And now – on to my new favorite spring song – which just so happens to fit perfectly in line with springing and being sprung. Please enjoy Ingrid Michaelson’s “Parachute”. :) I could listen to this song all day. <3 heart my boy <3

TMI: Orange – yellow and red

Posted on April 16, 2011 by admin

Today I leaned over my bathroom sink and – before I go any further I should warn you that what I’m about to tell you is kind of gross – but not like disgusting – just gross as in the kind of gross you totally want to share, but only with your brothers.

Yeah like that.

ORANGE. That’s what dripped into my sink. FROM MY NOSE! Orange. I couldn’t even prevent it. I have such a terrible sinus infection that puss is literally pouring from my sinuses. yeah. It’s THAT kind of sick. I’m THAT kind of sick/ill. And I think I’ve just changed my mind. It is pretty disgusting.

Siiiiiiick.

In other news, I also have bronchitis, pharyngitis and a double ear infection. Lucky me!

Oh hello there! What? Oh you said yellow? Yellow to you too! And no I’m not doing too fine today. I’m a little blue. But orange you glad I didn’t say goodbye?

Why yes. Yes I am.